THE BEAST NIECE
There was a young girl from Duluth,
uncannily like her Aunt Ruth!
She shared her psychosis,
and scent: halitosis,
with hints of urine and vermouth.
THE BIRDS: THE PREQUEL
Ethel and Hank,
they loved a good prank;
it's a pastime they'd always enjoyed.
The scene was quite placid,
'til gulls were fed acid;
Bodega was all but destroyed.
CHRISTINA’S NEIGHBOR’S WORLD
Dolores's motto
(when partially blotto):
be kind to those who are labeled!
But when she's hungover,
she hides in the clover,
and laughs at the differently-abled.
PALM OIL: THE SILENT KILLER
Bratty Mike Dover
was almost run over,
but saved by the squeak of his wheel.
Quick and unplanned,
Betty offered a hand,
for on it was grease from her meal.
VICTORY SPOILED
Victor, the infamous cuckold,
sat in the courtroom white-knuckled.
He was granted his clearance
for his wife's disappearance,
until the linoleum buckled.
SNACK DIP
I came bounding down,
for Kate's children could drown;
their lunches they weren't yet done chewing!
Kate, arms akimbo,
said, "look, I'm no bimbo!
Get lost, I know what I'm doing".
PAYBACK’S A DITCH
My father Fred
short-sheeted my bed;
he fancied himself a wry prankster.
I raised the bar
and short-sheeted his car;
now I'm the youngest known gangster.
PEACE MEAL
Chef Charlie Burton,
whose life was uncertain,
concocted a marvelous plan:
cut salt from the bread,
use arsenic instead,
and offer free lunch to the Klan!
BARBERISM
I'm telling you all to beware,
and I urge you: hold on to that hair!
You want a new style,
but it's hardly worthwhile,
when few make it out of that chair!
LACTOSE INTOLERANCE INTOLERANCE
Suddenly, there kicked up a breeze.
I shouted out, "Dude, would you please?!
You know you're my friend
who I'll love to the end,
but I'll never again give you cheese!"
WASTED YOUTH
Our classmates are cruel;
we are known in our school
as Loosie and Two-Bit and Humpster.
These names are not couth,
but they trump stolen youth,
so we all left our kids in a dumpster.
ABDUCTION
Young Eddie Miller, he screamed up the street,
no clothes on his body, no shoes on his feet.
He stopped when he saw us, and bent over, panting;
somebody asked: why the nude gallivanting?
He paused for a moment, and said through his tears,
"It happened again--my greatest of fears!
They just wouldn't stop all their prodding and poking...
Why are you laughing? I'm really not joking!"
We all shook our heads, in bitter disgust,
as though, long ago, he'd used up our trust.
Young Mr. Miller's pitch grew quite dire,
he screamed, "I escaped from an alien flyer,
or UFO, or whatever you call it--
they took everything, including my wallet!
You have to believe me--I cannot go back there!
They tie up my hands and they shave off my hair!"
(He was referring, of course, to the place on the hill,
where overtaxed nerves are locked up to chill.)
I turned to my left, and gasped with surprise;
I was staring right into two alien eyes!
Doug had forgotten to take off his mask--
how could he neglect this one simple task?
I panicked and wondered if we had just blown it,
but if Eddie had seen him, I'm sure he'd have shown it.
"They're coming," said Lisa (it was her turn to phone),
so we left Eddie Miller, standing alone.
MR. RIGHT ON TIME
He flirts with a fervor most unctuous;
it's likely a sign he's dysfunctuous.
But too many a date
would allow me to wait--
so I'll endure him for being so punctuous.
VANITY BITES
I stalked Margaret Rose like a vector;
each girl I bit, I done wrecked her!
But my teeth chomped in vain
for she'd already been slain,
and was walking the earth as a specter.
FLOUR POWER
Minnie on Clover Street threw a small party
in honor of Dick and Suzanne Moriarty.
Minnie!? A party!? For those two!? She's lost it!
Some framed the invite—others just tossed it.
Dick and Suzanne fretted Minnie’s abasement,
for Dick was her ex and Suzanne her replacement.
But Minnie assured them that she had grown weary
of spending her dotage both angry and teary.
So a cake she created to look like the house
that Dick built with love for himself and his spouse.
Onward and upward, life’s not to be wasted!
There’s champagne to be drunk and a cake to be tasted!
And taste it they did, when suddenly Miss Winters
withdrew from her tongue two very small splinters.
They all started finding, then, other small pieces
of wood (and some glass?) that they hid in the creases
of napkins which offered up cake-hiding cache
‘til they fumbled their way to the powder room trash.
Delicious! and Tasty! and Ever-so-yummy!
they squealed with feigned pleasure, a hand on each tummy.
Later…
All the way home Suzanne laughed over Minnie;
she thought she was crazy, a loony, a ninny!
Dick froze in horror and slammed on the brakes;
their driveway was littered with timbers and shakes.
Their home was destroyed far beyond resurrection
(being reasonable-minded, they made no connection).
Meanwhile…
Minnie was reading (while still rather tipsy)
the cookbook she bought from the weather-worn gypsy.
She thought of the condos the town had approved,
and the uppity people who into them moved,
and the high-rise that blocked out her view of the lake
(she giggled and pondered a twelve-layer cake).
Her eyelids grew heavy; she started to dream…
If Suzanne was a cake, would she wear butter-cream?
TO MOCK A KILLING BIRD
Atticus Finch was a freak!
Bird-brained, with feathered physique.
I'd tease him and taunt him,
but I no longer haunt him,
since impaled by his razor-sharp beak.
WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID NEXT SUMMER
These witches' bifocals
were tested on locals,
their plusses and drawbacks were plenty.
They conjured a curse
causing time to reverse,
making foresight a true 20/20.
SEISMIC MATTERS
When Richter was younger,
with curious hunger,
Kinsey and he were good pals.
They formed an alliance,
in the interest of science,
scoring highly on both of their scales.
LIZZY BORDEN OF ONTARIO, CANADA
Lizzie Borden took an oath
before she saw her husband's growth.
Grossed out by his birthday suit,
she made him wear it inside-oot.
‘TIL DEATH DO WE PART
There once was a couple named Previn—
the years since they touched were eleven.
Then one day in lust,
Previn blew off the dust
and sent his dear Missus to heaven.
HIGH ART
Val and her cousin Jeannette,
performed the most flighty duet
on the night that they found,
lying right on the ground,
a queer-looking hand-rolled cigarette.
THE BIG ONE
We asked if Our Lord he done felt it.
Some of us even done smelt it!
The photo's explicit;
since Claire didn't solicit,
she must be the nun who done dealt it.
TRIAL AND ERROR
There was a young girl
who needed to hurl;
she had to lose weight for the dance.
In a move not too smart,
she poked the wrong part,
and ended up barfing her pants.
A MONTH OF MONDAYS
Fran waited thirty-one days
for the truck that would bring her new chaise.
Just like a meter,
we'd go out to feed her;
there was no vaccine for malaise.
LITTLE ORPHAN ANDY
When my parents were killed on their Harley,
I was sent to live with Aunt Charlie.
She'd drag me through town,
in a pantsuit or gown;
the transition to niece was quite gnarly.
FALLING OFF THE WAGON
The duty of Addie
was to taxi drunk daddy,
the miserable Mr. MacGuire.
He was especially sauced
on the day he was lost
from his ride in the Radio Flyer.
KEEP ON SHINING!
When Daniel J. Torrance
said 'no' in abhorrence,
the twins dialed up the endeavor.
He now plays with Gradys,
and no other ladies,
forever and ever and ever.
BUTTERBALL
Larry ate nothing but eggs.
The cheese and the butter were Peg’s.
Their kid was all lard;
when the sun hit the yard,
it melted his fat little legs.
DRAMA CLUB PRESENTS: THE TAMING OF THE SHREW
STANDING (L to R)
Constance, the ass,
is the bane of this class,
says Dee, Mr. Kent, and Tamara.
Cory and Joe,
and Nancy and Flo,
agree, as does Jim on the camera.
SEATED (L to R)
Thom (known as “Wheels”)
is parked next to Niels,
both mocked by Connie so often.
Kim just says “damn her,”
but Liz brought a hammer,
and Ed has the nails for the coffin.
A BRUSQUE ENGAGEMENT
We were all very nervous
at her late husband's service;
when she outlived the eighth we got smart.
She paused not a second
when the newcomer beckoned,
since she'd already dressed for the part.
SWEATER WHETHER OR NOT
Shown here are Lily and Lyle,
purveyors of woolen argyle.
It's all that they sold,
and when it got old,
they were buried along with their style.
COUNTDOWN TO DAMNATION
‘Twas a six-hour search
for the five who skipped church
(only four of them seriously sought).
The three Purdy ladies
saved two, as did Bradys;
the last one’s salvation was naught.
JFC III
The grandson of James Fenimore Coopah
was by and large supah dupah;
he was pleasant and fun,
and withheld his gun,
until you made fun of his fupa.
MEMORIAL DAY
Four dear old friends, from the fine days of yore,
gathered in May on the New Jersey shore.
They met years ago, at Ralston Academy;
Bernice studied classics, the rest took anatomy.
Upon the reunion, they couldn’t stop the chatter!
But one guest, above all, to William, did matter.
“Emily, my dear, my h-h-heart’s all afl-fl-flutter.”
(William, you see, when nervous, did stutter.)
A torch for Miss Emily, since school, he had carried,
while Bernice and Frederick had long ago married.
Lovely Miss Emily, the terrible flirt,
treated men such as Willie no better than dirt.
Emily remarked on his luck with the girls,
and something (perhaps) about oysters and pearls (?).
Just like in college, he found her confusing,
while she found him alternately dull and amusing.
She had tested his love (it was always a cinch),
and when nothing else happened, it did in a pinch.
After their lunch of Chablis and havarti,
a gadget was unveiled, to heighten the party.
William exclaimed, “This is far beyond measure--
this simple device will find buried treasure!
Let us set out, now, and put it to task.
To find a gold ring is all we could ask!"
On Emily’s face grew a smile so wry,
and she spoke to her friends, with a heart-heavy sigh.
“My dears, I have simply had far too much wine.
But please go without me, I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
An adventure without her, dear William resisted;
Emily just smiled and firmly insisted.
(As narrator, I feel I should probably mention,
the young gentleman who had her attention.
He was up in the dune, either tanning or changing,
and Emily and he had just been exchanging
occasional smiles, and swift sidelong glances--
she’d meet the young man, and double her chances!)
The three of them left to find full chests and urns
(they’d each keep the booty they found in their turns).
For Frederick’s half-hour, the thing remained quiet.
Finally, he shook it and said, “I don’t buy it!”
“That thing is fragile! How dare you abuse it?
And anyway, Frederick, it is my turn to use it.”
William crept slowly, as on hallowed ground;
Frederick and Bernice just followed and frowned.
“Look it,” said Bernie, “we are right where we started,
and if that is the case, then Emily has departed."
Just then they came across sand in a heap,
and that’s when the thing-a-ma-jig started to beep.
Will fell to his knees and he started to dig;
they all had a feeling this thing was quite big!
“What is it? A fortune? Good God, pray you tell us!
We haven’t yet seen it and already we’re jealous!”
William fell back and his face grew quite ashen;
the others took note of his out-of-sort fashion.
“Your face looks as though you’ve discovered a specter!
What on earth did you find with that metal detector?!”
He did not respond for at least a full minute;
his gaze held the hole, and that which was in it.
Then he rose to his feet, but his pallor did linger--
“it’s Emily’s r-r-ring, and it’s st-st-still on her finger.”
